COLUMBIA, S.C. – Following Arizona’s lead, South Carolina is expected to enact the nation’s toughest immigration laws to date, with New Yorkers and Californians to be officially declared persona non grata.
Not only are residents of the Empire and Golden states prohibited from living in South Carolina, under the bill being considered by South Carolina’s legislature, they would not even be permitted to visit for tourist purposes.
Law enforcement would be directed to arrest individuals that they knew, or suspected, were New Yorkers or Californians and deport anyone who proved to be a resident of those states. Officers could detain individuals for a long list of appearance-based and behavioral reasons, including: “evidence of plastic surgery; reading The New Yorker, Wall Street Journal or New York Times; extolling Thomas Keller or molecular gastronomy; driving a Prius; mentioning ‘my rabbi’; requesting ‘macrobiotic’ or ‘vegan’ items at a restaurant; ordering non-sweetened tea; inquiring about the availability of valet parking; speaking of Bob Jones University or Strom Thurmond with disdain; refusing to call Arnold Schwarzenegger or Rudy Giuliani a RINO; or stating a preference for Adam Lambert over Kris Allen.”
Republican Governor Mark Sanford says that he will sign the bill.
“For centuries New Yorkers and Californians have sneered at us,” said Sanford, “They marvel at our magnolia trees but call us racially intolerant and backward. The only thing that we are intolerant of is elitism, and this bill sends a clear message that we will no longer permit it inside our state lines.”
Critics of the measure say it enshrines Southern bigotry in state law.
“We already fought the Civil War, and we lost,” Milton R. Rutherford, history professor at Columbia College, said bluntly. “It has zero chance of being withstanding a legal challenge if it becomes law.”
The South Carolina Chamber of Commerce issued a statement expressing concern that the state’s industries could be harmed by the loss of revenue resulting from fewer New York and California tourists as well as individuals from other states that oppose the law.
But Jackson Ross Campbell III, creator of the “Blue States Suck” Facebook page, said that any loss would be more than compensated for by tourists from states who support South Carolina’s law.
“It’s marketing magic for our hotels, which will be able to advertise that their guests won’t have to run into people at the continental breakfast buffet asking for soy milk or carrying a Louis Vuitton bag with a small, yappy dog,” Campbell said, adding that he will work to extend the ban to states beyond California and New York.
Poll results were mixed. When South Carolina residents were asked whether they supported prohibiting residents from other states from moving to or visiting their state, only 15 percent said yes in a Zogby Poll with +/-3.1 percentage points of error. However, when it was specified that the residents were from New York and Carolina, that number rose to 47 percent and when it was worded “carpetbaggers from the states where Nancy Pelosi and Bill Clinton live” the number spiked at 71 percent.
The legislation was initially drafted to prevent residents of New York and California from ever visiting South Carolina, but an exemption was made to permit relatives to visit immediate family members whose health or life is in danger and who are unable to travel.
It also gives individuals who are native born South Carolinians but have New York or California residency the chance to repatriate after a waiting period. Anyone reapplying for South Carolina residency will need to show proof, through state income tax forms or utility bills, that they have been a resident of a state besides California or New York for a minimum of three years, in addition to providing their birth certificate.
But native born Californians and New Yorkers are out of luck — unless they can provide proof that an immediate ancestor was a South Carolina resident and declare their fidelity to South Carolina.
Despite the heated debate the proposal has stirred in South Carolina, it appears to have received scant notice in the states that would be affected. When told of the proposal, Berkeley, Calif., resident Ashby Paz shrugged his shoulders. “That’s just one less carbon offset I need to buy — not that I’ve ever been or have any desire to go since I kind of lump South Carolina into the same category as flyover country.” Paz said. “In fact, maybe we could have reciprocity and bar South Carolinians from coming to California.”
Salty Caramel can also be found at http://thediscust.com/.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Ninety-Nine Percent of Public Uglier than Facebook Doppelgangers
A new study has determined that 95 percent of the Facebook doppelgangers are more attractive than the actual people who participated in "celebrity doppelganger week." In addition, 93 percent of the doppelgangers were younger and 95 percent were slimmer.
The study was published in the Proceedings Of The Royal Society, Biological Sciences, the same journal that published the findings in 2007 showing that people prefer symmetrical faces, with an exception for Cindy Crawford's mole.
In addition, the study found that while there was a modest likeness at times among Caucasians between the individuals and their celebrity doppelgangers, easily 15 percent of the world's population apparently looks like Lucy Liu. This counts every female of Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Taiwanese and Singaporean descent.(China alone comprises 20 percent of the word's population with females accounting for half of that minus some tens of millions of individuals when factoring in female infanticide.)
The rare exception to the 99 percent who chose to upload a more flattering photo than themselves included a British academic who chose Ben Linus, the bespectacled evil character from the hit television show "Lost," as his doppelganger. "The individual identified himself as a philosophy graduate student who hasn't seen natural sunlight in seven years and speaks only in axioms," the Journal's authors write. "Other photos on his Facebook page indicate he is actually quite attractive, if pallid."
The study was published in the Proceedings Of The Royal Society, Biological Sciences, the same journal that published the findings in 2007 showing that people prefer symmetrical faces, with an exception for Cindy Crawford's mole.
In addition, the study found that while there was a modest likeness at times among Caucasians between the individuals and their celebrity doppelgangers, easily 15 percent of the world's population apparently looks like Lucy Liu. This counts every female of Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Taiwanese and Singaporean descent.(China alone comprises 20 percent of the word's population with females accounting for half of that minus some tens of millions of individuals when factoring in female infanticide.)
The rare exception to the 99 percent who chose to upload a more flattering photo than themselves included a British academic who chose Ben Linus, the bespectacled evil character from the hit television show "Lost," as his doppelganger. "The individual identified himself as a philosophy graduate student who hasn't seen natural sunlight in seven years and speaks only in axioms," the Journal's authors write. "Other photos on his Facebook page indicate he is actually quite attractive, if pallid."
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Woman Suffers Olympics Commercials Withdrawal
Emily Johnson's eyes welled up at the Winn Dixie this week when she pulled out her Visa credit card to pay for her sliced ham and Pringles potato chips. "Go World," she mouthed, choking back a sob.
Johnson does not know any Vancouver Olympians, nor has she ever attended an Olympics. But 11 days after Canada defeated the U.S. men's hockey team, Johnson said she would give anything to have the Olympics last longer.
It's not the elegant, triple lutz-throwing figure skaters that Johnson misses, or the daredevil snowboarders, or even watching Apolo Ohno becoming the most decorated U.S. Winter Olympian. Rather, the 43-year-old mother of three said that it's the commercials that she yearns for -- from Visa's "Go World" themed ones to the internecene Cola Cola snowball fight in the Olympic Village.
Johnson's nostalgia for the commercials may make the brand marketing industry salivate, but her constant references to 30-second ads has puzzled and at times horrified her family.
After 14-year-old Julie's softball team won its match, Johnson, who was in charge of bringing snacks, sought to give her daughter's team an unnecessary, discordant pep talk. "You came in with one goal. And unfortunately, you left with one goal," she said, as Julie hissed, "They're runs, mom. We score runs, not goals."
Johnson continued, "But I'm proud of you. You played like Olympians, so today we eat like Olympians," dramatically pulling out a box of Chicken McNuggets.
"It was so embarrassing. She insisted on giving that speech that the hockey coach gave on the McDonalds commercial, even though we won," Julie recounted. "Then she got disappointed when we didn't cheer like they did in the commercial, and she was all offended when of my teammates told her for future reference that Chik-fil-A's Chick-n-Strips are better."
When the AT&T commercial with the snowboarder that does that halfpipe all the way to the moon came on a day after the Closing Ceremonies, Johnson perked up, and hummed, "It's such a perfect day" -- lyrics from the song in the commercial -- for the rest of the evening, according to Bill Johnson, Emily's exasperated husband.
"Thank God she doesn't know how to use Tivo," Julie said. "I saved the ladies free skate, but she thinks that Tivo forces you to skip commercials. I'm not going to tell her otherwise she'll just be sitting there for hours, fast forwarding through Kim Yu-Na and Mao Asada to get to that weird commercial of Apolo Ohno skating on the spinning ice rink.
McDonalds and Visa aren't the only companies to win Johnson's favor with their heartstrings-tugging ads, though the Visa commercial featuring Dan Jansen skating a victory lap with his daughter, Jane, may be her favorite. In close contention is Proctor & Gamble, which debuted a series of commercials with pint sized athletes engaging in various winter sports, and a salute to their moms.
"She's telling our five-year-old 'To me, you'll always be my kid,' said Bill Johnson. "But he's five, and that's just confusing to him."
Johnson does not know any Vancouver Olympians, nor has she ever attended an Olympics. But 11 days after Canada defeated the U.S. men's hockey team, Johnson said she would give anything to have the Olympics last longer.
It's not the elegant, triple lutz-throwing figure skaters that Johnson misses, or the daredevil snowboarders, or even watching Apolo Ohno becoming the most decorated U.S. Winter Olympian. Rather, the 43-year-old mother of three said that it's the commercials that she yearns for -- from Visa's "Go World" themed ones to the internecene Cola Cola snowball fight in the Olympic Village.
Johnson's nostalgia for the commercials may make the brand marketing industry salivate, but her constant references to 30-second ads has puzzled and at times horrified her family.
After 14-year-old Julie's softball team won its match, Johnson, who was in charge of bringing snacks, sought to give her daughter's team an unnecessary, discordant pep talk. "You came in with one goal. And unfortunately, you left with one goal," she said, as Julie hissed, "They're runs, mom. We score runs, not goals."
Johnson continued, "But I'm proud of you. You played like Olympians, so today we eat like Olympians," dramatically pulling out a box of Chicken McNuggets.
"It was so embarrassing. She insisted on giving that speech that the hockey coach gave on the McDonalds commercial, even though we won," Julie recounted. "Then she got disappointed when we didn't cheer like they did in the commercial, and she was all offended when of my teammates told her for future reference that Chik-fil-A's Chick-n-Strips are better."
When the AT&T commercial with the snowboarder that does that halfpipe all the way to the moon came on a day after the Closing Ceremonies, Johnson perked up, and hummed, "It's such a perfect day" -- lyrics from the song in the commercial -- for the rest of the evening, according to Bill Johnson, Emily's exasperated husband.
"Thank God she doesn't know how to use Tivo," Julie said. "I saved the ladies free skate, but she thinks that Tivo forces you to skip commercials. I'm not going to tell her otherwise she'll just be sitting there for hours, fast forwarding through Kim Yu-Na and Mao Asada to get to that weird commercial of Apolo Ohno skating on the spinning ice rink.
McDonalds and Visa aren't the only companies to win Johnson's favor with their heartstrings-tugging ads, though the Visa commercial featuring Dan Jansen skating a victory lap with his daughter, Jane, may be her favorite. In close contention is Proctor & Gamble, which debuted a series of commercials with pint sized athletes engaging in various winter sports, and a salute to their moms.
"She's telling our five-year-old 'To me, you'll always be my kid,' said Bill Johnson. "But he's five, and that's just confusing to him."
Monday, March 1, 2010
Medal-less Russian Olympians Forced into Exile
VANCOUVER -- Olympian Yuri Lysenko was looking forward to seeing his daughter, Ksenia, and having a big bowl of his wife's borscht, which he hoped would ease his disappointment over having missed out on a medal.
But it turns out that the Russian's disappointment paled in comparison to that of Moscow's. When he showed up at the airport in Vancouver, Lysenko was informed that, by order of President Dmitry Medvedev, he was on the Russian "no fly" list and would not be allowed back into his native country due to his poor showing at the Olympics.
Lysenko was not alone in his exile. He soon ran into a glum Yuko Kavaguti and Alexander Smirnov, the Russian figure skating pair that finished a disappointing 4th at the Olympics, ending a 46-year pairs medal streak. Smirnov was sadly swilling from a bottle of duty free vodka, comforting Kavaguti -- who gave up her Japanese citizenship in order to be able to compete in the Olympics -- as she sobbed into the shoulder of his feather and rhinestone encrusted jacket.
According to Smirnov, all the Russian figure skaters had traveled to the Vancouver airport together, but only Evgeni Plushenko was allowed to check in. Although Plushenko won a silver medal, he criticized gold medalist Evan Lysacek for failing to perform any quadruple jumps and quickly declared himself winner of a platinum medal. Plushenko's sentiment was shared by his countrymen, and he received a message from Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin that "Your silver is worth gold."
Not all Russian medals were merited an upgrade, however. Cross country skier Alexander Panzhinskiy's silver was received with disappointment, though he was allowed to return to Russia. And the four man biathlon team that won bronze in the relay event was permitted past security only after signing forms promising to "train harder, faster and better so as not to bring shame and dishonor upon the country ever again."
The stakes are high for Russia, which is set to host the next winter Olympics in Sochi. In addition to banishing poor performers, Medvedev called on the country's sports officials to resign. A repeat poor performance like Vancouver would be an unbearable wound to Russia's pride, Medvedev said.
One sports official who spoke on condition of anonymity said that there were many obstacles that prevented Russians from bringing as much lucre back as those athletes who represented the Soviet Union. "Back then, the drug tests weren't as advanced and it was much easier to falsify ages," the official said. "Nowadays, the athletes are lazy and coddled. It isn't enough to see their parents every other Christmas; they want every Christmas plus a summer holiday too. And their parents sometimes already live in an apartment that has more than one bedroom for seven people so we can't dangle that as a prize for gold either."
Two days after the Closing Ceremonies, the displaced Russians were starting to regroup and assess their futures. Lysenko said that he would seek to bring his wife and daughter to wherever he ended up, and that he hoped to continue training. He said he had fielded offers of citizenship from Belarus and Ukraine, two other former Soviet republics, but that he had fallen in love with Canada. "They tell me that the northern tundra is just as desolate and cold as Siberia, where I used to train," Lysenko said.
But one Russian team will not be welcome in Canada: hockey. Canadians are still, for the most part, riding high after beating the United States in overtime for the gold medal. The Canadians had easily defeated Russia -- once a hockey powerhouse -- in the quarterfinals. Still, a good number of Russian players, including Alex Ovechkin, currently play in the NHL, and their millions in future earnings will not be affected.
As for who will represent Russia at the 2014 games, the gold medalists from Vancouver are being lobbied to stay on for another four years, along with Plushenko. According to one government official, they are considered recruiting citizens of other countries to compete for them who have the natural talent but lack the Russian training and austere living conditions that produced so many Soviet champions. American figure skater Johnny Weir -- placed sixth in figure skating -- is one such candidate who they are eyeing. Weir, a self-proclaimed "Russiaphile" placed five slots above Artem Borodulin, the second ranked Russian.
"He loves Russia, he has a Russian coach, and he is artistic and lyrical," said the official. "Plus we do not have PETA over here. He can wear all the fur he wants."
But it turns out that the Russian's disappointment paled in comparison to that of Moscow's. When he showed up at the airport in Vancouver, Lysenko was informed that, by order of President Dmitry Medvedev, he was on the Russian "no fly" list and would not be allowed back into his native country due to his poor showing at the Olympics.
Lysenko was not alone in his exile. He soon ran into a glum Yuko Kavaguti and Alexander Smirnov, the Russian figure skating pair that finished a disappointing 4th at the Olympics, ending a 46-year pairs medal streak. Smirnov was sadly swilling from a bottle of duty free vodka, comforting Kavaguti -- who gave up her Japanese citizenship in order to be able to compete in the Olympics -- as she sobbed into the shoulder of his feather and rhinestone encrusted jacket.
According to Smirnov, all the Russian figure skaters had traveled to the Vancouver airport together, but only Evgeni Plushenko was allowed to check in. Although Plushenko won a silver medal, he criticized gold medalist Evan Lysacek for failing to perform any quadruple jumps and quickly declared himself winner of a platinum medal. Plushenko's sentiment was shared by his countrymen, and he received a message from Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin that "Your silver is worth gold."
Not all Russian medals were merited an upgrade, however. Cross country skier Alexander Panzhinskiy's silver was received with disappointment, though he was allowed to return to Russia. And the four man biathlon team that won bronze in the relay event was permitted past security only after signing forms promising to "train harder, faster and better so as not to bring shame and dishonor upon the country ever again."
The stakes are high for Russia, which is set to host the next winter Olympics in Sochi. In addition to banishing poor performers, Medvedev called on the country's sports officials to resign. A repeat poor performance like Vancouver would be an unbearable wound to Russia's pride, Medvedev said.
One sports official who spoke on condition of anonymity said that there were many obstacles that prevented Russians from bringing as much lucre back as those athletes who represented the Soviet Union. "Back then, the drug tests weren't as advanced and it was much easier to falsify ages," the official said. "Nowadays, the athletes are lazy and coddled. It isn't enough to see their parents every other Christmas; they want every Christmas plus a summer holiday too. And their parents sometimes already live in an apartment that has more than one bedroom for seven people so we can't dangle that as a prize for gold either."
Two days after the Closing Ceremonies, the displaced Russians were starting to regroup and assess their futures. Lysenko said that he would seek to bring his wife and daughter to wherever he ended up, and that he hoped to continue training. He said he had fielded offers of citizenship from Belarus and Ukraine, two other former Soviet republics, but that he had fallen in love with Canada. "They tell me that the northern tundra is just as desolate and cold as Siberia, where I used to train," Lysenko said.
But one Russian team will not be welcome in Canada: hockey. Canadians are still, for the most part, riding high after beating the United States in overtime for the gold medal. The Canadians had easily defeated Russia -- once a hockey powerhouse -- in the quarterfinals. Still, a good number of Russian players, including Alex Ovechkin, currently play in the NHL, and their millions in future earnings will not be affected.
As for who will represent Russia at the 2014 games, the gold medalists from Vancouver are being lobbied to stay on for another four years, along with Plushenko. According to one government official, they are considered recruiting citizens of other countries to compete for them who have the natural talent but lack the Russian training and austere living conditions that produced so many Soviet champions. American figure skater Johnny Weir -- placed sixth in figure skating -- is one such candidate who they are eyeing. Weir, a self-proclaimed "Russiaphile" placed five slots above Artem Borodulin, the second ranked Russian.
"He loves Russia, he has a Russian coach, and he is artistic and lyrical," said the official. "Plus we do not have PETA over here. He can wear all the fur he wants."
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Canuck Avoids Depression Despite Men's Hockey Loss
VANCOUVER -- Harold Saber's father was a Mountie and his favorite band is The Tragically Hip. He has a maple leaf patch on his duffel and he can't understand why health care isn't a right even though he is considered a conservative.
Despite his bona fide Canadian roots, Saber was seen whistling on Tuesday, less than 48 hours after the Canadian men's hockey team lost to the United States, 5-3 in a stunning upset that, according to NBC, sunk the entire country into a deep depression.
When asked by NBC sportscaster Mary Carillo why he was able to maintain such a cheerful demeanor after the tragic loss, Saber, appeared surprised. "It's too bad, but it's just a game, eh?" he said.
"Just a game?" Carillo asked, incredulously. "But you're Canadian. It's hockey. Isn't your very sense of identity and self-esteen tied up in the fate of the team?"
"They've still got other games, and a shot at the gold," Saber replied with remarkable composure.
Saber's prediction proved accurate, as Canada was able to regroup with handy wins over Germany and Russia, respectively. Carillo spoke with Saber again on Thursday and questioned whether "he had just been in shock Tuesday and the enormity of Canada's loss had finally sunk in?"
But the plucky Canuck said he was far more emotionally invested in figure skater Joannie Rochette, who took to the ice Tuesday night just two days after her mother died of a heart attack.
Carillo remained skeptical. "If it's true that he really doesn't feel crushed by Canada's loss, he'd be well to keep it to himself, Bob," she reported. "Just like the Dutch speed skating fan that I saw the other day who was not wearing orange, or the Russian who was not upset over Plushenko's silver medal."
Although NBC would not confirm it, Carillo is reportedly working on a feature of Russian Olympians who were not plucked from small villages and sent to Moscow to train at age 8 and hadn't seen their parents -- who still toil in factories for 12 hours a day -- in seven years.
Despite his bona fide Canadian roots, Saber was seen whistling on Tuesday, less than 48 hours after the Canadian men's hockey team lost to the United States, 5-3 in a stunning upset that, according to NBC, sunk the entire country into a deep depression.
When asked by NBC sportscaster Mary Carillo why he was able to maintain such a cheerful demeanor after the tragic loss, Saber, appeared surprised. "It's too bad, but it's just a game, eh?" he said.
"Just a game?" Carillo asked, incredulously. "But you're Canadian. It's hockey. Isn't your very sense of identity and self-esteen tied up in the fate of the team?"
"They've still got other games, and a shot at the gold," Saber replied with remarkable composure.
Saber's prediction proved accurate, as Canada was able to regroup with handy wins over Germany and Russia, respectively. Carillo spoke with Saber again on Thursday and questioned whether "he had just been in shock Tuesday and the enormity of Canada's loss had finally sunk in?"
But the plucky Canuck said he was far more emotionally invested in figure skater Joannie Rochette, who took to the ice Tuesday night just two days after her mother died of a heart attack.
Carillo remained skeptical. "If it's true that he really doesn't feel crushed by Canada's loss, he'd be well to keep it to himself, Bob," she reported. "Just like the Dutch speed skating fan that I saw the other day who was not wearing orange, or the Russian who was not upset over Plushenko's silver medal."
Although NBC would not confirm it, Carillo is reportedly working on a feature of Russian Olympians who were not plucked from small villages and sent to Moscow to train at age 8 and hadn't seen their parents -- who still toil in factories for 12 hours a day -- in seven years.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Washed Up Former Queen Bee Born Too Soon for Reality TV Craze
Alegra Jones nee Morrison stole her older sister's boyfriend at age 13, had surgery for a "deviated septum" a year later and watched Beverly Hills, 90210 religiously.
If she were 16 today instead of 36 she would probably be starring in her own reality television show. Instead, the UC Santa Cruz dropout lives in Newport Beach, Calif., and ferries her two daughters to figure skating lessons.
Growing up, Jones attended an exclusive Los Angeles private school, where she was the undisputed queen of the cool clique. She avoided expulsion after getting caught drinking vodka from her water bottle when her parents promised to pay for the new science wing. The "boyfriend" that she stole from her sister was the head of the French Department. Jones wistfully recalls receiving a BMW convertible when she turned 16 -- though it was confiscated for an afternoon after she broke her maid's nose for machine washing her favorite pair of stonewashed Glora Vanderbilt jeans.
"The Hilton, Lohan and Kardashian sisters had nothing on me and my sisters," said Jones. "My older sister had already had an annulment for her Vegas marriage by the time she was 17."
Today's female celebutantes have pet chihuahuas, DUIs, same-sex relationships, out-of-wedlock babies with rocker boyfriends, Kitson and Twitter accounts. Back then, they had pet ferrets, Virginia Slims, homophobia, abortions, Rodeo Drive and personal landlines.
After high school, Jones moved to New York to become a model after her father pulled some strings with a business associate. But her size six frame meant she was shunned by all the exclusive designers and was only offered a plus size contract, despite drastic abuse of diet drug Fen-phen.
"If I had just been born 15 or 20 years later I would be famous. I hooked up with a Xerox heir once, along with a Kennedy and Warren Beatty," Jones lamented. "Me and my friends were just as shallow as Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton on 'The Simple Life,' and 'Alegra' is as good a first name as 'Madonna.'"
After her modeling stint, Jones moved back to California and attended college for six months, but dropped out to try acting. After a promised "Save by the Bell" walk-on role failed to materialize, she assaulted her agent but avoided jail by checking into the Betty Ford Center.
Jones now lives in Newport Beach, a wealthy enclave of Orange County, and is married to a dentist. Fame remains elusive. She tried out for the "The Real Housewives of Orange County," a reality television show on Bravo, but was turned away despite her pearly white smile since "they only had room for one under-40 cast member." She never considered trying out for MTV's Real World back when it debuted because she considered it "too gritty."
"It broke my heart when I saw #TilaTequila was a trending topic on Twitter after Casey Johnson died," Jones said. "One of my best junior high school friends died from a horseback riding accident. My story would have been way more compelling than Tila's."
Still, there may be hope in the next generation. Jones says that her daughters show immense potential in the skating rink. "Their coach says that they could make the Olympics if they work hard," Jones says. "That would be so amazing. And when those cameras pan to me for a reaction shot I'm not going to blow it like Debbie Phelps by wearing hideous bold print sweaters from Chicos."
If she were 16 today instead of 36 she would probably be starring in her own reality television show. Instead, the UC Santa Cruz dropout lives in Newport Beach, Calif., and ferries her two daughters to figure skating lessons.
Growing up, Jones attended an exclusive Los Angeles private school, where she was the undisputed queen of the cool clique. She avoided expulsion after getting caught drinking vodka from her water bottle when her parents promised to pay for the new science wing. The "boyfriend" that she stole from her sister was the head of the French Department. Jones wistfully recalls receiving a BMW convertible when she turned 16 -- though it was confiscated for an afternoon after she broke her maid's nose for machine washing her favorite pair of stonewashed Glora Vanderbilt jeans.
"The Hilton, Lohan and Kardashian sisters had nothing on me and my sisters," said Jones. "My older sister had already had an annulment for her Vegas marriage by the time she was 17."
Today's female celebutantes have pet chihuahuas, DUIs, same-sex relationships, out-of-wedlock babies with rocker boyfriends, Kitson and Twitter accounts. Back then, they had pet ferrets, Virginia Slims, homophobia, abortions, Rodeo Drive and personal landlines.
After high school, Jones moved to New York to become a model after her father pulled some strings with a business associate. But her size six frame meant she was shunned by all the exclusive designers and was only offered a plus size contract, despite drastic abuse of diet drug Fen-phen.
"If I had just been born 15 or 20 years later I would be famous. I hooked up with a Xerox heir once, along with a Kennedy and Warren Beatty," Jones lamented. "Me and my friends were just as shallow as Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton on 'The Simple Life,' and 'Alegra' is as good a first name as 'Madonna.'"
After her modeling stint, Jones moved back to California and attended college for six months, but dropped out to try acting. After a promised "Save by the Bell" walk-on role failed to materialize, she assaulted her agent but avoided jail by checking into the Betty Ford Center.
Jones now lives in Newport Beach, a wealthy enclave of Orange County, and is married to a dentist. Fame remains elusive. She tried out for the "The Real Housewives of Orange County," a reality television show on Bravo, but was turned away despite her pearly white smile since "they only had room for one under-40 cast member." She never considered trying out for MTV's Real World back when it debuted because she considered it "too gritty."
"It broke my heart when I saw #TilaTequila was a trending topic on Twitter after Casey Johnson died," Jones said. "One of my best junior high school friends died from a horseback riding accident. My story would have been way more compelling than Tila's."
Still, there may be hope in the next generation. Jones says that her daughters show immense potential in the skating rink. "Their coach says that they could make the Olympics if they work hard," Jones says. "That would be so amazing. And when those cameras pan to me for a reaction shot I'm not going to blow it like Debbie Phelps by wearing hideous bold print sweaters from Chicos."
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Shaun White Training Four-by-Four, Animal Style for 2014
VANCOUVER -- Shaun White's soaring performance in Wednesday's halfpipe competition yielded lots of gold: a medal for himself, along with a marketing bonanza for McDonalds.
A minute after securing the gold medal, White took his victory run, capping it with an element sure to make the most hyped list of 2010, just after the iPad -- a Double McTwist 1260, involving 3 1/2 twists and two flips.
The name of White's jaw-dropping move drew immediate comparisons to burger giant McDonalds. "The Double McTwist, the Big Mac, whatever you want to call it," said NBC's snowboarding announcer, wiping drool off of his chin. "I don't care what you're going to call it, that was unbelievable."
But if In-and-Out Burger has its way, NBC commentators Pat Parnell and Todd Richards will be making no reference to the golden arches at the Olympics in 2014 to be held in Sochi, Russia. The West Coast-based burger chain with an intensely loyal cult following struck a deal with White's agent Thursday morning to secure exclusive tie-ins for the daredevil's tricks.
According to an individual involved in the negotiations, "In-and-Out Burger and Shaun White are a perfect match. They both originated in California and are the epitome of cool."
Additionally, the nomenclature for the "secret menu" at In-and-Out Burger already aligns nicely with White's elements. Customers in the know can order a three-by-three -- standing for three meat patties with three slices of cheese.
Four years from now, In-and-Out Burger hopes that Parnell and Richards will be trumpeting White's successful completion of a four-by-four, animal style -- four twists, four flips with the extra amplitude and flair that is White's trademark.
In fact, one of White's nicknames is "Animal," and any burger or french fries at In-and-Out can be ordered "animal style" with pickles, extra spread, extra grilled onions and fried mustard on each patty.
As news of the deal began to leak out, the main reaction from other competitors was envy. But Dolf Van der Wal of the Netherlands, who finished 18th in the qualifying round, was already angling for a small slice of the endorsment pie, saying that he would happy to be known as "The Flying Dutchman" (two meat patties, two slices of cheese, no bun).
A minute after securing the gold medal, White took his victory run, capping it with an element sure to make the most hyped list of 2010, just after the iPad -- a Double McTwist 1260, involving 3 1/2 twists and two flips.
The name of White's jaw-dropping move drew immediate comparisons to burger giant McDonalds. "The Double McTwist, the Big Mac, whatever you want to call it," said NBC's snowboarding announcer, wiping drool off of his chin. "I don't care what you're going to call it, that was unbelievable."
But if In-and-Out Burger has its way, NBC commentators Pat Parnell and Todd Richards will be making no reference to the golden arches at the Olympics in 2014 to be held in Sochi, Russia. The West Coast-based burger chain with an intensely loyal cult following struck a deal with White's agent Thursday morning to secure exclusive tie-ins for the daredevil's tricks.
According to an individual involved in the negotiations, "In-and-Out Burger and Shaun White are a perfect match. They both originated in California and are the epitome of cool."
Additionally, the nomenclature for the "secret menu" at In-and-Out Burger already aligns nicely with White's elements. Customers in the know can order a three-by-three -- standing for three meat patties with three slices of cheese.
Four years from now, In-and-Out Burger hopes that Parnell and Richards will be trumpeting White's successful completion of a four-by-four, animal style -- four twists, four flips with the extra amplitude and flair that is White's trademark.
In fact, one of White's nicknames is "Animal," and any burger or french fries at In-and-Out can be ordered "animal style" with pickles, extra spread, extra grilled onions and fried mustard on each patty.
As news of the deal began to leak out, the main reaction from other competitors was envy. But Dolf Van der Wal of the Netherlands, who finished 18th in the qualifying round, was already angling for a small slice of the endorsment pie, saying that he would happy to be known as "The Flying Dutchman" (two meat patties, two slices of cheese, no bun).
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