Shaun White Training Four-by-Four, Animal Style for 2014

VANCOUVER -- Shaun White's soaring performance in Wednesday's halfpipe competition yielded lots of gold: a medal for himself, along with a marketing bonanza for McDonalds.

A minute after securing the gold medal, White took his victory run, capping it with an element sure to make the most hyped list of 2010, just after the iPad -- a Double McTwist 1260, involving 3 1/2 twists and two flips.

The name of White's jaw-dropping move drew immediate comparisons to burger giant McDonalds. "The Double McTwist, the Big Mac, whatever you want to call it," said NBC's snowboarding announcer, wiping drool off of his chin. "I don't care what you're going to call it, that was unbelievable."

But if In-and-Out Burger has its way, NBC commentators Pat Parnell and Todd Richards will be making no reference to the golden arches at the Olympics in 2014 to be held in Sochi, Russia. The West Coast-based burger chain with an intensely loyal cult following struck a deal with White's agent Thursday morning to secure exclusive tie-ins for the daredevil's tricks.

According to an individual involved in the negotiations, "In-and-Out Burger and Shaun White are a perfect match. They both originated in California and are the epitome of cool."

Additionally, the nomenclature for the "secret menu" at In-and-Out Burger already aligns nicely with White's elements. Customers in the know can order a three-by-three -- standing for three meat patties with three slices of cheese.

Four years from now, In-and-Out Burger hopes that Parnell and Richards will be trumpeting White's successful completion of a four-by-four, animal style -- four twists, four flips with the extra amplitude and flair that is White's trademark.

In fact, one of White's nicknames is "Animal," and any burger or french fries at In-and-Out can be ordered "animal style" with pickles, extra spread, extra grilled onions and fried mustard on each patty.

As news of the deal began to leak out, the main reaction from other competitors was envy. But Dolf Van der Wal of the Netherlands, who finished 18th in the qualifying round, was already angling for a small slice of the endorsment pie, saying that he would happy to be known as "The Flying Dutchman" (two meat patties, two slices of cheese, no bun).

Google Buzz Reveals Man has Lame Social Life

NEW YORK -- Most of the buzz around Google's latest social networking innovation has involved concern over the publicizing of people's frequent contacts -- and resulting potential to reveal liaisons with mistresses or interviews with rival companies.

But one man's worst fears were realized when Google Buzz revealed that the man's supposedly sizzling social life was a total fraud. According to his snickering co-worker, the man had always boasted of his exciting weekends filled with booze, sex and multiple hot women.

"[Greg] would come back on Monday morning with stories of slurping oysters off naked women at exclusive night clubs and other crazy stuff," said the co-worker. "He's kind of a plain guy, but we figured he must be sexual napalm in bed or have some ridiculous trust fund that let him jet to St. Lucia for the weekend."

However, when Google Buzz debuted last week, everyone at the office was wondering how it worked and they clustered around "Greg's" computer screen to observe. His most frequent contacts, as measured by the contacts that he was automatically assigned to follow, were revealed to be a pizza delivery service, movie and video game rentals, 1-900-HOT-GURLZ -- "Your wildest fantasies from the comfort of your home," and his mother.

"It was really awkward," said the co-worker. "Greg turned bright red and made some joke about how his account had been used by his teenage nephew when he was visiting, but he was obviously obviously lying."

Aside from some mild ribbing, the co-worker said they had not called "Greg" out on his tall tales. "But I threw out the napkin that supposedly had Bar Rafaeli's lipstick that he gave me for my birthday," he said. "Just the thought that I've been sleeping with a dirty napkin under my pillow that has Greg's lipstick kiss gives me the willies."

Southwest Scuttles Plans to Charge Passengers by the Pound

An unfortunate mishap with a famous overweight director has caused Southwest Airlines to shelve plans to offer reduced prices to skinny passengers.

The proposal, now in the dustbin of bad ideas along with New Coke, John Edwards' decision to allow Rielle Hunter to produce videos about his campaign and Napoleon's invasion of Russia, would have charged an extremely low base fare for the first 125 pounds for women and 170 pounds for men. Every additional pound would have added fifty cents, or $5 for every 10 pounds, up to the cost of a second seat.

According to an individual involved in drafting the proposal, Southwest was hoping it would appeal to slender people -- who, in fact, cause less fuel consumption due to their lower weights.

They had also been in talks with Weight Watchers to create an incentive program for frequent fliers hoping to lose weight, with free Weight Watchers meals thrown in if they could show a minimum three pound weight loss from the prior flight.

However, the recent highly publicized ejection of Kevin Smith, director of Clerks, Chasing Amy and Zach and Miri Make a Porno, after being seated on the plane, has caused Southwest to discard the proposal. Smith, who admits he is overweight, buys two seats when he flies, however he opted to fly on an earlier flight in which only one seat was available. He was forced to leave the plane despite protesting that he was able to lower both armrests and that his purchase of a second seat was out of dislike of other people and not necessity.

Asked to comment, a former executive for a rival airline company to Southwest said that the proposal ignored reality. "Forcing people to step on the scale typically reserved for baggage then telling them they're 40 pounds overweight would not have gone over well with 99 percent of the population that lies about their weight," said the executive. "And can you imagine the scandal it would have caused with celebrities? Records on how much celebrities actually weigh would be leaked faster than confidential medical information at the UCLA hospital."

Canadians Ramp Up Aggression in Quest for Olympic Glory

VANCOUVER -- Canada's "Own the Podium" initiative goes far beyond limiting access to training facilities, according to a handbook obtained exclusively by Salty Caramel.

The guide, apparently passed out to Canadian athletes and coaches, contains instructions on how to behave and what to say (and not say).

For example, athletes and officials are to refrain from saying "Eh," in the presence of foreigners as it "sounds weak and leaves one vulnerable to mocking." They should also work on Americanizing their pronunciations of "about" and "pasta" to the harsher, less euphonious "a-bowt" and "pos-ta."

The movie "Taxi Driver," in which Robert De Niro is a down-on-his-luck New Yorker, is being played on a continuous loop in the communal rooms for Canadian athletes as an example of the ideal diction, with awards given nightly for the toughest "You lookin' at me?" rendition.

Courtesies such as holding open doors, shaking hands and initiating friendly conversations should be reserved until after competition, and behavior such as cheerful whistling should also be averted.

Under the guise of friendship, athletes can encourage visiting athletes to partake of poutine -- a Canadian specialty of French fries slathered in gravy and cheese curds with an average of 1,100 calories per serving -- "especially those from Asian nations, where there is a high incidence of lactose intolerance."

Although no mention is made in the handbook of logistical intimidation, participants from Africa and other nations with warm climates have reported heaters that didn't work at their Olympic Village housing. A Canadian official dismissed the complaint, saying, "Naturally the Canadian winter will feel chillier to those athletes who grew up near the equator." However, a visit to the rooms of athletes from Ghana, Jamaica, Ethiopia and Mexico revealed indoor temperatures of 40 degrees Fahrenheit and below, despite thermostats reporting balmy temperatures of 70 degrees.

Participants aren't the only ones encouraged amp up the aggressiveness. The guide directs Canadians to tell their supporters to refrain from clapping, cheering or ringing cow bells for opponents at any point during the competition "unless a Canadian victory is assured."

In order to intimidate foreign tourists and possibly prevent them from attending events to cheer on their countrymen, a car was lit on fire by expertly trained firefighters after Alexandre Bilodeau won Canada's first gold medal in the moguls Sunday, with actors paid to play the part of rampaging locals. As preparation for the inferno, they watched tapes of Chicago and Detroit fans after their basketball teams won NBA championships, according to one of the participants. "I felt kind of bad, but it's work, eh?," said the man, who declined to give his name. "Ever since the X-Files stopped filming here it's been hard to get acting gigs."

Not every part of Canada's "Own the Podium" blueprint ended up working out, according to an assistant of one of the officials involved in the secret plans. Canada had originally hoped to have an Opening Ceremonies that exceeded Beijing's 2008 Opening Ceremonies in grandeur, but the "First Nations" participants balked when they tried to recreate the spectacular "wave" effect using the movable boxes.

"We bribed the Chinese director in charge of that box piece to replicate a grander version for our Opening Ceremonies with promise of citizenship and unlimited Google access, but our First Nations participants revolted when we told them it would require living in boxes for 18 hours a day for three months," said the assistant.

Toyota Recalls Name

Beset by bad publicity over faulty gas pedals in eight car models and tempermental brakes in the crown jewel 2010 model Prius, Akio Toyoda, president of Toyota Motor Corp., announced Monday that he was recalling the name of the company.

"Effective immediately, Toyota Motor Corp. will be referred to as TMW," Toyoda said. "We regret that the Toyota name has become sullied and with this step we hope to assure customers that TMW will maintain the proud tradition of superlative workmanship and superior value. In good news for our valued customers, the name change will not require a visit to the dealership or cost them any money."

The name recall comes on the heels of a far more costly recall of 4.2 million vehicles, with an additional 300,000 Priuses likely to be recalled.

According to one worker at a Huntsville, Alabama plant, saying or writing "Toyota" is now verboten, with offenders required to write "I will never forget to say TMW" 100 times in English and Japanese script.

The name change is not without precedence. After suffering a crash in the Florida Everglades in 1996, low cost carrier ValuJet merged with AirTran Airways the following year and took on its name as well.

Aeroflot, the official airline of the Soviet Union, considered changing its name due to its poor safety record in the early 1990's, considering "Glasnost" and "Peterstroika" in hopes of attracting additional foreign passengers. But ultimately, it decided such a name change would be confusing to its domestic users, according to a former Aeroflot executive. "Our users were used to long lines, ration coupons and rancid oil," said the executive. "A crash or ten wasn't going to deter them."

More than one person has noted the similarity of TMW's new name to a luxury German automaker, Bayerische Motoren Werke, most commonly referred to as "BMW." That similarity is no mistake, said branding expert Ron Townsend. "BMW is seen as a muscular, high end car with a good safety record."

It's also not the first time a company has switched to becoming known solely by an acronym. The AARP was named the American Association of Retired Persons but switched to just "AARP" in 1999 to reflect that the organization wasn't just for retired people and to allow the title to fit on its bimonthly magazine in large enough type so more than 60 percent of the readership wouldn't need to use bifocals.

Despite the new nomemclature, Jeanie Billingsworth, of Bay City, Mich., remained unconvinced, and even gleeful about Toyota's woes. I don't care if they call it that celebrity site that shows pictures of "best beach bums" or asks "who'd you rather," Billingsworth said, apparently referring to TMZ.com, in an interview at a gas station. "Around here, we bleed Ford, Chrysler or GM."

Billingsworth then finished topping off her Lincoln Navigator, swore at the $75 total, and drove off in a haze of emissions.

CNN Rushes Slim-Fitting T-Shirts to Haiti

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI -- Concerned that its anchors were running out of slim-fitting monochromatic T-shirts, CNN ordered a special delivery of the unofficial uniform to the earthquake plagued city Saturday.

"Thank you, Banana Republic," Anderson Cooper was reported to have exclaimed, pumping his bicep, which was shrouded under a loose-fitting, long sleeved striped shirt. Cooper apparently only keeps three slim-fitting T-shirts in his emergency travel bag, and with minimal facilities for bathing and washing, had to resort to some of his cooler weather wear.

CNN has received much acclaim for its coverage of the Haiti earthquake, with the anchors even pitching in to provide security and medical care, as when Cooper rescued a boy from violent looters. Dr. Sanjay Gupta has eschewed the typical white lab coat and scrubs for grey and black T-shirts as he performs half of the medical procedures on the island.

The network's barrage of coverage is allowing viewers back in the United States and around the world a close-up view of the massive destruction in Haiti's capital as well as the anchors' rippling abs and cut biceps.

In addition to the much-needed refresher of 100 percent cotton T-shirts, the CNN plane brought other goods to be distributed among Haiti's needy, including 100 pairs of Larry King's old suspenders.

Democrats Strike Deal on Health Care Reform

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., triumphantly announced on Friday that Democrats had struck a deal with Republicans to provide universal health care coverage to “every single American, at zero additional cost to the taxpayers.”

“The time to act is now,” Reid said. “We must seize the moment and enact meaningful reform that will prohibit insurance companies from denying coverage for pre-existing conditions and ensure that no child or adult lacks for medical care.”

President Obama has set a deadline of Christmas for enacting health care reform. He made the issue a centerpiece of his campaign and passage of such legislation would be a major coup.

The compromise has all the major provisions that Democrats — particularly the liberal wing — have long sought, including a public option, the chance for people younger than 65 to buy into Medicare, and permission for the government to negotiate drug prices with pharmaceutical companies. Reid said that he anticipated the inclusion of such items should please liberal groups who have derided the Democrats for abandoning the core principles at stake in order to garner Republican support, as well as enable them to get at least 60 votes to avert a filibuster.

But Reid pointed out that the compromise legislation also has major sweeteners for Republicans, such as zero increase in cost to the taxpayers compared to the current projections over the 10 year budget window, the period in which Congress calculates costs.

Those eager to benefit from this groundbreaking legislation will need patience and longevity, however. The provisions do not take effect until 100 years after passage of the bill, which is expected to come as early as Monday.

“Some people say that congressmen and women just look to getting re-elected, without any thought of how the next generation will bear the consequences of our actions,” Reid. “But this carefully crafted bill belies that stereotype. With this bill, we are ensuring that our childrens' childrens' childrens' children will never want for necessary medicine or suffer from reprehensible emergency room wait times.”

When asked by reporters why they delayed implementation of the legislation for a century, Reid said that they had initially sought a delay of just five years. “[Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky.,] was holding out for a 10-year extension but Joe Lieberman insisted that it be 100 years,” Reid acknowledged.