Anti-Big Government Protestors Protest Lack of Portable Toilets

WASHINGTON D.C. -- After three hours of marching, chanting anti-tax slogans and singing "God Bless America" Lewis Able Martin II of McClellanville, S.C., was hoarse and thirsty. So Martin chugged a two liter bottle of Coca Cola, which sated his thirst but led to an even more pressing issue: the need for relief.

Unfortunately for Martin, there are scant toilet facilities available on the National Mall. Martin's wife, Glory Lee Martin, had ducked into the Natural History Museum earlier in the day but the line for the popular museum -- as well as the ones closer to the east side of the Capitol, where the protestors had converged -- had grown to over 10 minutes. Martin didn't want to leave the march for that long for fear of missing his home state senator, Jim DeMint, speak.

Ms. Martin hadn't known where to find a toilet until she asked a National Park Service police officer, who politely suggested she try the nearby museum, which offers free admission. Asked why she was attending the protest, she said that she and her husband were protesting "waste, fraud, abuse and the millions of useless government bureaucrats wasting my hard-earned, illegitimately seized money."

When a reporter pointed out that the police officer's salary was paid for by federal government funds, Martin replied begrudgingly, "One good apple in a barrel of rotten ones doesn't make them all good."

Mr. Martin said that if there had been enough portable toilets provided the crisis would have been averted. "They hauled in a million port-a-potties for the inauguration of Parasite-in-Chief Obama," Martin said. "They should at least do the same for us patriots."

In fact, the Presidential Inaugural Committee paid for the 5,000 portable toilets set up for Obama's inauguration.

Martin -- before he stumbled off with a pained look and awkward gait -- said that he would be writing a letter of protest to DeMint, as well as his representative, Henry E. Brown Jr., also a Republican.

Consultant Helps Celebrities' Kids Adjust to Real World

HOLLYWOOD -- An elite tutoring service has sprung up and the founder's e-mail is being discretely passed from celebrity assistant to assistant.

The service, run by a former nanny to an A-list celebrity, is one that is seemingly very simple: it helps kids who come from wealthy, famous families learn about the real world and how to live in it. The founder of the service, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that she started it after her former celebrity boss commented on how difficult it was to raise children who had famous parents and let them have a "normal" childhood.

The then-nanny offered to have the children stay at her house for a couple of weeks as a kind of "real world boot camp" and teach them about how the other 99.99 percent of the population lives. The visit was such a success that her services have been in high demand ever since, with wealthy parents putting down $10,000 deposits to reserve weeklong slots for their children.

Among the first things that she does is to teach the children how to act normally in public. "Sunglasses are neither necessary nor a good disguise when it's overcast and 50 degrees," she tells them.

In fact, one child was so used to wearing sunglasses outside that he marveled at how coloful everything was without them. "It's more dazzling than mommy's jewelry collection," he said.

The other advice she imparts is to not run, cover their face or scowl when they saw someone with a camera, especially if they are not with their famously recognizable parent. "It's even possible that they want you to take their picture for them," she says.

She also teaches them to pose for pictures naturally, with their arms straight and at their sides. Many of the young girls, for instance, have taken up their moms' habit of putting their hand on their hip -- "to hide arm flab" -- or turning away from the camera and looking backwards over their shoulder.

For interacting with their peers, she gives advice such as not assuming that others will automatically know that "Uncle Steven" or "Uncle Jack" refer to Steven Spielberg and Jack Nicholson. Other no-nos include referring to "the Cape," "Martha's," "the City," or even Scientology.

Part of the boot camp includes a trip to a soup kitchen -- since many of her charges didn't know that they operated on days besides Thanksgiving or Christmas. They also practice going to the airport and taking a commercial flight in economy class, which entails waiting in the long security line.

Among the other concepts that have surprised her charges are the concept of hand-me-downs and dogs so big that they do not fit in a handbag.

The program has been so successful that the founder is currently seeking other middle class families with whom she can place celebrity children. One of the parents of her celebrity charges, a well known reality television producer, suggested that she make a reality TV show out of it, but she declined, saying that such cameras would detract from the mission of her program.

Gov. Sanford Sends Biscuits to Rep. Wilson

Embattled South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford sent a care package of bone-shaped biscuits to fellow South Carolina GOPer and Congressman Joe Wilson Wednesday night. "Welcome to the dog house. I'm so happy for the company! Love, Mark," said the note, according to an employee at Three Dog Bakery in Charleston who assembled the care package.

Sanford received his latest show of no confidence earlier in the day when 61 of 72 state House Republicans signed a letter calling on him to resign. Ever since it was revealed that his "hiking the Appalachian trail" was actually rendezvousing with an Argentine mistress his poll numbers have plummeted, and subsequent squirm-inducing interviews have not helped his case.

But all was forgotten Wednesday night as Wilson, with two words -- "You lie!" -- directed at President Obama during a live speech before Congress managed to take, at least for now, the mantle of most embarrassing Palmetto State politician.

Sanford had been watching the speech with a couple of interns. According to a friend of one of the attendees, Sanford chortled as soon as Wilson uttered the provocative words. He grew positively giddy when Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., said in an interview of Wilson's comment that there was "[n]o place for it in that setting or any other."

"Now the media bastards and those traitorous state legislators can focus their ire on someone else," Sanford apparently said. "I feel sorry for him, though. He's being unfairly maligned just like me."

Sanford has been living alone in the governor's mansion since his wife, Jenny Sanford, moved with her four sons to their home in Charleston. Although he invited his dwindling staff to watch the speech with him, all declined. "Those poor interns didn't know how to say no," said a staff member who continues to work for Sanford because of the ailing economy but who is actively seeking employment elsewhere.

Sanford's friends have also deserted him, with former political allies treating him like radioactive waste and personal friends shunning him and supporting his wife. "I think the guy just wants someone to share a pizza with," said the aide, when told of the care package. "He's hoping Joe can be that guy."

Levi Johnston Accused of Co-opting Storyline from Desperate Housewives

Levi Johnston, almost son-in-law of almost Vice President Sarah Palin, may have embellished part of his Vanity Fair interview, which is due out in news stands later this week.

In the interview, Johnston claimed that Palin had wanted to adopt his son, Tripp, in order to keep Bristol Palin's pregnancy a secret.

"Sarah told me she had a great idea: we would keep it a secret — nobody would know that Bristol was pregnant. She told me that once Bristol had the baby she and Todd would adopt him. That way, she said, Bristol and I didn’t have to worry about anything," Johnston said, in an excerpt posted on VanityFair.com. "I think Sarah wanted to make Bristol look good, and she didn’t want people to know that her 17-year-old daughter was going to have a kid."

In fact, said a mutual friend of Bristol and Levi who asked to remain anonymous, Johnston made up the adoption story after getting the idea from watching Desperate Housewives. In season four of the wildly popular series, Bree Van de Kamp, played by Marcia Cross, fakes a pregnancy in order to pass off her daughter's out-of-wedlock child as her own. Van de Kamp's character is a conservative, NRA card holding Republican, like former Gov. Palin.

When confronted with the anonymous allegations, Johnston angrily denied them. He also added, "Not that it matters, but Marcia Cross is a hot babe, and I would never equate her with Sarah."

Man Upgrades Cell Phone Plan, Incessantly Calls Friends

SHIRLINGTON, VA -- After years of mockery from his friends and family, Jerry Huston, 31, recently upgraded his cell phone plan so he gets free calls within the Verizon network.

His friends who once ridiculed him for speaking tersely and hanging up abruptly so that their phone conversations would not exceed the minute mark are now paying the price for their mocking. Huston, who previously had the 300 minute plan, decided after getting a promotion to upgrade to the 450 minutes per month plan for an additional $5.

In addition to the extra 150 daytime minutes per month, Huston can talk for an unlimited amount of time with other Verizon customers. The result, say his friends, is a whole new Jerry.

"We used to just e-mail during the day since his boss sits nearby so he didn't want to do lots of personal calls from his land line," said Huston's girlfriend, Maisy Hollows. "Now during his coffee break he'll check in to see how I'm doing and then again at lunch. Then around 4 or so he'll call to discuss we're having for dinner. Frankly, I wish he'd consolidate it a bit."

One of Huston's friends who asked not to be named said that he was weirded out by the almost daily calls. "It used to be that I'd call and either Jerry wouldn't answer then call back a minute later from another number -- a land line, I guess -- or he'd sound very strained, like he couldn't wait to get away. Now he's a totally new person on the phone and won't stop chatting."

The friend said he was contemplating telling Huston that Verizon's reception in his new office building was bad so he had switched to Sprint or AT&T in the hopes that Huston would reduce his constant calls.

Huston is also contemplating buying a texting plan that will let him have up to 250 messages a month for $5. At the moment, he pays $.20 for each text that he receives or sends. His close friends know not to text him unless it is absolutely necessary, but Huston said that the newfound freedom he feels from his unlimited Verizon-to-Verizon plan is making him reconsider his opposition to texting.

"Last year my friend texted me 'Merry Christmas' and I was pissed off because I knew it was costing me and he could have just said that over e-mail," Huston said, via an in-network cell phone interview Monday afternoon. "But on further reflection it was a nice sentiment and it would be nice to wish everyone a Happy New Year."

U.S. Collection of Tchotchkes Enough to Clutter World's Homes

A new study by a consumerism expert found that the U.S. populace has enough tchotchkes stowed in their houses, garages, apartments, condos, Public Storage Units, vacation homes and trailers to clutter up the houses, shanties, igloos, wigwams, longhouses, and gutters of the world's 6.7 billion inhabitants.

"It's a question of distribution," said Jamie Hao, consumerism expert. "Just as there is enough agricultural output in the world to feed everyone, yet millions still go hungry, so there are enough ships in glass bottles, stuffed animals, Russian dolls and decorative spoons to give at least each person in the world five tchochkes of their very own if Americans would just share. And that's a conservative estimate."

One reason for the high per capita tchotchke level in the United States is Americans' penchant for giving awards. Billions of plaques, crystal paperweights, medallions and door stoppers are bestowed annually to "employees of the month" and for graduations, retirements and other events.

Summer camps are another tchotchke-producing treasure trove. Hao said that her children returned from camp laden with lanyards, dream catchers, and wooden whistles they'd whittled that didn't actually make any sound.

"Americans are also very sentimental," Hao said. Even though they may stow away the paper mâché mask that their kid made in third grade and not look at it more than once a decade, that doesn't mean that it doesn't give them some sense of satisfaction when they do look at it."

Hao estimated that at least half the tchotchkes are ones that people hang onto out of family sentiment or guilt -- like the gold frosted pine cones in a glass bowl that Perry Ramstad inherited from his grandmother that were from the trees in her backyard. Ramstad admits that the pine cones themselves are unremarkable and in poor shape, with many scales missing and an amateurish paint job. Nonetheless, even though he says he's spent at least $100 shipping them around the country for various moves, he can't bear to rid himself of them "since no one else would appreciate them the way I do."

In fact, Ramstad's statement perhaps speaks to a large truth. Just because they United States could provide tchotchkes for the entire world doesn't mean that the rest of the world actually wants them.

A qualitative poll of Palestinian refugees, Cambodian farmers and Sudanese emigres found that tchotchkes ranked last on a list of priorities that they would like the United States to provide after peace, prevention of genocide, a homeland, running water, electricity, sufficient food and iPhones.

DHS, TSA Report New Terrorist Threat: Athlete's Foot

The Homeland Security Department and Transportation Security Agency on Friday held a joint press conference to announce that they have discovered a terrorist plot to start a pandemic of athelete's foot through airport hubs, in particular at the security lines.

Athlete's foot is caused by a parasitic fungus and is usually spread in moist environments where people walk barefoot such as showers and locker rooms.

Since shoe bomber Richard Reid tried to bring down a commercial flight on Dec. 22, 2001 by lighting explosives hidden in his shoes, it has been standard policy at U.S. airports to require passengers to remove their shoes and place them on the conveyor belt to be X-rayed.

During summer months especially, TSA estimated that between one third and a half of travelers wore flip flops, Crocs, or another type of shoe wear that obviated the need for socks.

The terrorist plot included having people with athlete's foot walk barefoot through security lines while discreetly sprinkling the floor with liquid to create a more moist, fungal environment.

In order to avert the spread of athlete's foot, which is typically not life threatening but causes extreme itchiness, TSA announced that it will forbid people from passing through security if they are not wearing socks. They also will be sprinkling baby and talcum powder in the security line in the event that people attempt to walk through with bare feet.

Enterprising merchants have sprung up to take advantage of a potentially lucrative commercial opportunity. Hudson News stores in the New York airports were stocked with overpriced socks an hour after the press conference -- $10 for simple white tube socks, $15 for athletic socks and $20 for 100 percent cotton ones.

Not everyone appreciates the new security rule. "If someone is stupid enough to walk through the line barefoot they deserve to get athlete's foot," groused Greg McIntyre," of Cleveland, Ohio. "Now it's just gonna take twice as long since more people are going to be wearing shoes with laces."