CNN Rushes Slim-Fitting T-Shirts to Haiti

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI -- Concerned that its anchors were running out of slim-fitting monochromatic T-shirts, CNN ordered a special delivery of the unofficial uniform to the earthquake plagued city Saturday.

"Thank you, Banana Republic," Anderson Cooper was reported to have exclaimed, pumping his bicep, which was shrouded under a loose-fitting, long sleeved striped shirt. Cooper apparently only keeps three slim-fitting T-shirts in his emergency travel bag, and with minimal facilities for bathing and washing, had to resort to some of his cooler weather wear.

CNN has received much acclaim for its coverage of the Haiti earthquake, with the anchors even pitching in to provide security and medical care, as when Cooper rescued a boy from violent looters. Dr. Sanjay Gupta has eschewed the typical white lab coat and scrubs for grey and black T-shirts as he performs half of the medical procedures on the island.

The network's barrage of coverage is allowing viewers back in the United States and around the world a close-up view of the massive destruction in Haiti's capital as well as the anchors' rippling abs and cut biceps.

In addition to the much-needed refresher of 100 percent cotton T-shirts, the CNN plane brought other goods to be distributed among Haiti's needy, including 100 pairs of Larry King's old suspenders.

Democrats Strike Deal on Health Care Reform

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., triumphantly announced on Friday that Democrats had struck a deal with Republicans to provide universal health care coverage to “every single American, at zero additional cost to the taxpayers.”

“The time to act is now,” Reid said. “We must seize the moment and enact meaningful reform that will prohibit insurance companies from denying coverage for pre-existing conditions and ensure that no child or adult lacks for medical care.”

President Obama has set a deadline of Christmas for enacting health care reform. He made the issue a centerpiece of his campaign and passage of such legislation would be a major coup.

The compromise has all the major provisions that Democrats — particularly the liberal wing — have long sought, including a public option, the chance for people younger than 65 to buy into Medicare, and permission for the government to negotiate drug prices with pharmaceutical companies. Reid said that he anticipated the inclusion of such items should please liberal groups who have derided the Democrats for abandoning the core principles at stake in order to garner Republican support, as well as enable them to get at least 60 votes to avert a filibuster.

But Reid pointed out that the compromise legislation also has major sweeteners for Republicans, such as zero increase in cost to the taxpayers compared to the current projections over the 10 year budget window, the period in which Congress calculates costs.

Those eager to benefit from this groundbreaking legislation will need patience and longevity, however. The provisions do not take effect until 100 years after passage of the bill, which is expected to come as early as Monday.

“Some people say that congressmen and women just look to getting re-elected, without any thought of how the next generation will bear the consequences of our actions,” Reid. “But this carefully crafted bill belies that stereotype. With this bill, we are ensuring that our childrens' childrens' childrens' children will never want for necessary medicine or suffer from reprehensible emergency room wait times.”

When asked by reporters why they delayed implementation of the legislation for a century, Reid said that they had initially sought a delay of just five years. “[Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky.,] was holding out for a 10-year extension but Joe Lieberman insisted that it be 100 years,” Reid acknowledged.

Zhu Zhu Rescue Shelter Created

SUMMERVILLE, S.C. – Zhu Zhu pet hamsters are the must-have present of the 2009 holiday season. They squeak, run through mazes and even ride skateboards without making a mess, making them darlings of kids and their parents.

But Harriet Wortherby knows that a year from now will be a different story. She remembers the Tickle Me Elmo carnage of ‘97 — when just months after parents shelled out big bucks to secure the furry creatures, millions of giggling Elmos were shoved into dusty corners as fickle children transferred their loyalties to Beanie Babies.

In order to turn the inevitable mass abandonment of the hamsters into something positive, Wortherby has established a shelter for the Zhu Zhus at her 50 acre country estate near Summerville and plans to have the hamsters transferred to deserving children in Africa. The shelter is empty now, but she anticipates it will be filled next year. She plans to set up at safe havens at veterinarians’ offices in all 50 states for people to bring the unwanted hamsters, “No questions asked.”

The program, which she is calling “Zhu Zhus for Zulus,” will be modeled after organizations like Aid for AIDS and Recycled AIDS Medicine Program (RAMP), which donate unused AIDS drugs to HIV-positive patients in developing countries. Once a medicine has been prescribed it is illegal to redistribute it within the United States, but there is nothing to bar its redistribution in another country.

The cost of transporting the hamsters will be considerable, but Wortherby has secured the financial backing of animal lover and actress Katherine Heigl, who plays “Izzy” on the hit ABC show Grey’s Anatomy. Heigl’s charity organization, the Jason Debus Heigl Foundation, recently paid $25,000 to fly 25 Chihuahuas from Los Angeles to the East Coast, where they will be adopted and spared an unhappy fate.

California shelters have reported a glut of abandoned Chihuahuas in recent years, due in large part to the heightened profile the breed has enjoyed because of heiress Paris Hilton, whose pet Chihuahua Tinkerbell is a permanent fixture in her handbag. But while the increase in ownership of the yappy dog has been concentrated in California, the Zhu Zhu phenomenon has infected the entire country, with online auction site eBay reporting markups of 500 percent. That’s why Wortherby said that she chose Africa as the recipient of the hamsters.

Wortherby’s proposal has received some criticism by ecologists, who say that releasing the Zhu Zhus without a preliminary study could be tantamount to bringing an invasive species to the continent.

In addition, an informal survey of a Zulu village in South Africa suggested that Zhu Zhus might not be received as gratefully as Wortherby anticipates. “I’d rather have a goat or reliable electricity,” said Mzambo Nkosi, a sentiment echoed by his neighbors. “Or maybe Oprah could expand her school so that my daughter could attend, too.”

Salty Caramel is also a guest correspondent for The Discust. This article can also be found at thediscust.com.

Indianapolis Woman Covets Google Phone

INDIANAPOLIS -- All Linda Williams wants for Christmas is a Google Phone, but it's unlikely she'll get it. The much buzzed about phones were distributed to select Google employees last week but they are not expected to be sold to the public until 2010. The homemaker and mother of three boys said she began obsessing about the phone after a tech savvy college student, who works part time at the library where Williams volunteers, told her it would "crush the iPhone."

Williams switched her email account from AOL to Gmail earlier this year and has been a Google enthusiast ever since, jetissoning Yahoo! search and spending her free time looking at satellite views of friends' houses on Google Maps. Williams says she aspires to be a "premature user," with the Google Phone, apparently referring to the term for an individual who embraces a new technology before it becomes mainstream, more commonly known as "early adopter."

Her family is a bit mystified by her ardor for Google, which they say is becoming an obsession. Fifteen-year-old son Luke said he found his mom on eBay last month, bidding on a Google Wave invite. Once she got one, which Luke was able to get for free after posting a request on Facebook, Williams was disappointed after realizing that none of her e-mail contacts -- mostly other stay-at-home moms -- had the Wave, which relies on collaboration with others.

Williams ended up creating a wave with herself, embedding a map to her house along with a yes/no poll asking "Who thinks Google Wave is The Bomb?"

After hearing her library cohort talk about the Google Phone, Williams found out more information about the device -- by googling "google phone," of course, which she recounted to her family. "She tells me it's thinner than the iPhone, but right now she uses a pre-paid clunker cell phone that she never even remembers to turn on," said an exasperated Luke Williams. "I'm not really sure why it being 'vastly superior to Verizon's Droid' matters when you just keep it in the glove compartment for emergencies and you don't even know what a Droid is."

Nonetheless, Williams has told her family that the only thing she wants for Christmas is a Google Phone, though she is resigned to waiting until 2010 to get it.

In the meantime, she is busily planning the family's summer vacation to Mountain View, Calif., where Google headquarters is located. Williams said she hopes for a Marissa Mayer sighting, or at least the chance to try the Google vice president's favorite cupcake flavors.

Polanski Trains for Ironman Triathlon

GSTAAD, SWITZERLAND -- Roman Polanski, the Oscar-winning director currently living in his Swiss chalet under house arrest, is undergoing a vigorous training regime in hopes of participating in an Ironman triathlon.

The 78-year-old director has been forced to stay at his house as he awaits extradition to the United States. But Polanski's limited confines have not hindered his intense training schedule, which includes six hours of training per day, including several hours of running on a treadmill, and 1.5 hours each of cycling and swimming. In order to accommodate Polanski's fitness needs, he is reportedly having a lap pool built underground, as his existing pool is better suited for recreation than serious exercise. In order to expedite construction, crews have been working around the clock, according to his neighbors in the pricey Alpine neighborhood, who say that trucks have been seen removing "mounds of dirt" on a nightly basis.

News of Polanski's triathlon training surprised at least one of his friends. "Roman's idea of exercise is going to the wine cellar to grab another bottle of Chateau L'Evangile Pomerol, at least it was when I saw him last year. He's got that French attitude of, 'Everything in moderation.' I can't see him swimming a couple miles, biking 100 miles, and then running a marathon."

Polanski said that his newfound enthusiasm for exercise came about during his recent imprisonment in the Swiss jail when he had time to think about his priorities and decided to focus on fitness. The interview with Polanski, by telephone, was interrupted at various points by the roar of a tractor dirt scoop and the noisier scenes from "Shawshank Redemption," an Oscar-nominated film with Tim Robbins playing an unjustly jailed prisoner that was playing in the background. Polanski said that he hoped to participate in an Ironman triathlon once "his legal misunderstandings" have passed.

The Oscar-winning director pled guilty in 1978 to unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor, but fled the United States after it appeared likely he would have to serve additional jail time. Polanski – a French citizen – has his primary residence in France, and has been protected from extradition to the United States. He was arrested in September when he came to Switzerland to accept a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Zurich Film Festival.

Polanski has come to Switzerland numerous times before, but the arrest warrant appeared to have gained additional urgency when the director's legal team requested a dismissal of the charges, saying that the Los Angeles-based prosecutors had never made a legitimate effort to apprehend him in the past three decades. (After the arrest, a spokesman for Los Angeles District Attorney Steve Cooley refuted that charge, saying that they had given as much effort to bringing Polanski to justice as they did to pursuing decades-old drive-by shootings in South Central Los Angeles.)
A number of prominent figures in the arts and political communities quickly protested Polanski's arrest, including French President Nicolas Sarkozy and Hollywood directors such as Woody Allen, David Lynch and Martin Scorsese.

Although initially refused bail by Switzerland's Federal Criminal Court due to his flight risk, Polanski was released on $4.5 million bail in late November after the court deemed that would be sufficient deterrent to his fleeing again. In addition to the bail, which he would forfeit if he fled, he transferred his travel and identification documents. Polanski also must wear an electronic bracelet, and his house has been outfitted with an electronic monitoring system. His legal team has been lobbying hard to prevent his extradition to the United States, and legal experts say the wrangling could take months before a decision is made.

Some critics of Polanski's release said that the prospect of losing the bail money – which he had to pay in full – would be no financial hardship given the director's wealthy friends, and is an insufficient deterrent to flight. But Herve Temime, Polanski's lawyer, rejected as "outrageous" a rumor that Hollywood luminaries had been hosting underground "Free Willy" parties to raise $4.5 million and said that the director's family had been forced to regift swag acquired over the years in lieu of buying new Christmas presents as evidence of Polanski's financial duress.

"My client has suffered enough," Temime said, in an interview in his office, as he hastily covered a Google Maps printout showing the walking route from Gstaad to French border town Les Rousses as 135 kilometers as well as weather reports for Southwest Switzerland in April. "I believe Mr. Polanski will be released, but in the meantime he will fully comply with Swiss law."

Drowning Polar Bears Just 'Lazy Swimmers' Says Palin

Sarah Palin tacked sharply to the right Wednesday as she sought to cast doubt about the "junk science" relating to global warming and questioned the claim that polar bears are drowning due to a melting Artic ice shelf.

Polar bears have become a symbol for some climate change activists as they seek to garner widespread support for a dramatic curbing of greenhouse emissions. Most notably, in "An Inconvenient Truth," former Vice President Al Gore claimed that the population of polar bears was decreasing due to global warming and showed an animated polar bear swimming and trying to pull itself up onto a piece of ice.

Palin's remarks came as the the international climate change talks in Copenhagen wrapped up the fourth day. "Just as obesity is plaguing America's children in the lower 48 states because some parents irresponsibly allow their children to just sit in front of the television and watch junk television shows like Rachel Maddow, so too has this plague of inactivity affected some polar bears," Palin said. "In Alaska we hunt 'n fish 'n do all sorts of outdoorsy stuff, and stay active. Our polar bears are in shape, too. But the polar bears elsewhere -- the Russian ones, especially -- they're just lazy swimmers."

When told of Palin's comment, Conrad Stephopolous, a professor of atmospheric and oceanic sciences at the University of Colorado at Boulder who is attending the climate change conference, choked on his røde pølser, a traditional Danish sausage. "Polar bears can swim 150 miles, and there is zero evidence that their swimming abilities have been in any way reduced. Zero. I'd love to see Ms. Palin try to swim 150 miles," Stephopolous said.

Told of the overwhelming consensus by scientists in Copenhagen that polar bears were drowning due to the melting of ice caps, Palin waved her hand dismissively. "Scientists can say what they want with their data and facts, but I know what I see from my house: Russia. If I can see that far, then a polar bear should be able to swim that far, otherwise it's just a slacker."

Diminutive Starbucks Barista's Son Insists He's Tall

SEATTLE -- Alcee James, age six, practically grew up in Starbucks. His mother, Rose James, has been a barrista for the popular coffee chain for a decade, and Starbucks became the de facto child care center when her husband left them two years ago.

Alcee has been adopted by the Starbucks regulars and he will often inform new Starbucks workers what drink they should start preparing as soon as they walk in the door. "For here, Venti Americano," he would chirp, when a grandfatherly figure entered, clad in a plaid cardigan. Or "To go, grande sugar-free, vanilla soy, decaf, no foam, mocha latte," for a harried looking woman talking on her phone while scrolling through e-mails on her blackberry.

But Alcee's mastery of the Starbucks lexicon has caused trouble for him at school, where he just started first grade. Alcee is just 3'1" tall, a good half foot shorter than the average boy in his class and shorter than all but one other girl. But when his teacher, Ms. Wetherington, lined them up by height in order to teach them rudimentary statistics, Alcee balked when she called him "short."

"I'm tall!" Alcee insisted indignantly.

Recounting the incident later, Alcee said, eyes wide, "Mommy always says that 'short' is a bad word."

In Starbucks speak, the smallest published size is "Tall," followed by "Grande" and "Venti." Although "Short" drinks are sold, they must be specifically requested and cost less.

Alcee caused further commotion when he pointed at a girl of average height, Elsa Garcia, and said that she was "grande." (Grande corresponds to a medium Starbucks drink.) Elsa, a slightly chubby girl whose first language is Spanish, took offense at his description, which can mean "tall" or "big" in her mother tongue, and slapped Alcee, who slapped her back.

Alcee's behavior landed him in the principal's office, where he continued to insist that his teacher had called him a bad word. It was not until the principal returned to his office after telling his secretary to call Rose James and caught Alcee gulping down some coffee that the Starbucks association was made.

An embarrassed Rose James has since initiated a reeducation campaign for her son, aided by other Starbucks workers and regulars, and they now use "small," "medium," and "large" to describe their drink sizes. Although some of the customers have been confused by the change, the shop has gained a growing cult following for its unpretentious nomenclature. "Our business among the sixty and older crowd has doubled in the last few weeks," James said. "We're a huge hit with the caffeine-seeking geriatric crowd."